Lost
by SkyeLight2x1
Summary: Hitomi's come back to Gaea, where her life awaits her… But things aren’t what she’d hoped they’d be. ONESHOT. ANGST.


**TITLE**: Lost

**AUTHOR**: SkyeLight2x1

**RATING**: PG-13 (I think)

**SUMMARY**: Hitomi's come back to Gaea, where her life awaits her... But things aren't what she'd hoped they'd be. ONESHOT. ANGST.

**PAIRING**: Van/Hitomi (_blinks_ Sorry, wait, there are _other_ pairings? )

**DISCLAIMER**: I do not own anything to do with Escaflowne and I am not making a profit by writing these stories. Anything you do not recognise belongs to me and I would appreciate it if people gained my permission before using it. I would also appreciate being asked if anybody wishes to archive any of my fiction -- it helps to keep track of it all.

**NOTES**: This is my first Escaflowne story, although I have loved the anime for years and have been reading the fiction (of which there is a depressingly small amount) for almost as long. In fact, It was Escaflowne that introduced me to fan fiction in the first place! Please be kind and use constructive criticism rather than flames. Thank you.

**Lost**

Hitomi smiled bitterly, curling close into her blankets. She was in Fanelia again, in the newly rebuilt castle. It was beautiful and stately, with gleaming pink walls that looked like they had energist fragments embedded into them, and a large ballroom, its ceiling soaring up into the heavens. Her room was tastefully decorated -- they were wings carved subtly into the headboard and dragons formed the posts, their outstretched claws cradling the canopy while their tails wrapped around the legs. She was highly impressed, having been informed that this room had been designed specifically for her. She didn't understand what made it significant; after all, Van was a Draconian, not her. But then she had lain on the bed, and looked up, and seen the two moons painted on the underside of the canopy, something in the paint making them glow.

She was so proud of Van; he had built his country up from nothing into the wondrous, beautiful, bustling hub of business, fashion and society that it was today. He was powerful and respected by his own countrymen and others alike. People took his advice to heart and followed his orders unquestioningly. He was a symbol for peace, equality and freedom. He welcomed the dragons and taught his people to respect them, and abolished the Rite of Dragonslaying.

And he had beautiful children.

The tears surfaced again, and her face trembled as she struggled to hold them back. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he was so happy, that he'd found someone he loved and she was still pining after him like a lovesick fool. But it wasn't pining, not really; what she felt was too deep for that. She had found the mate to her soul, and she had given him up, for a time, thinking that he would still be there when she was ready. But he wasn't; he'd found someone else, and it seemed that, although he had loved Hitomi, he hadn't considered her his soul's mate.

She gave in to the sobs threatening to choke her, turning her face into the pillow to muffle them. His children called her Lady Hitomi, not Mama, and the lack of that affectionate address from their lips tore her heart to shreds again and again. The woman they called Mama, the bright shiningly beautiful Queen of Fanelia: she hated her, hated her and envied her with a passion.

She knew she couldn't stay. The knowledge that Van slept with another each night, that another wore the crown she had always thought she'd wear, that his children did not receive their good night kisses or stories from her, was slowly killing her. She didn't think that Van had noticed her gradual decline. He was wrapped up in his family and his country. He saw her as an old and comfortable friend, a visible reminder of a time long ago, when he had been filled with thoughts of war and revenge.

She understood that she was no longer a part of his life, but God she wished she could dismiss his place in hers so easily. Without him there was no life, no passion, no joy. There was only a bleak long stretch of loneliness, without even escape to ease the pain, for she knew that it would hurt Van, and she would never willingly, knowingly cause him pain.

She sighed as the wrenching sobs slowed to the silent heartbreaking crying that she so often succumbed to. Her body eased, although the tightness around her chest didn't. She slipped out of the bed and walked out onto the balcony, resting her hands on the stone balustrade. She laughed bitterly as she gazed up at Earth. She would have been better off up there, lost in her dreams, never realising the truth of Van's emotions and the loss of their relationship.

Suddenly, she picked up the sea's salty breeze, and a fierce urge gripped her; she wanted to experience the cliffs at night. Turning, she hurried into her room, and pulled on comfortable jeans and a sweatshirt over a sleeveless white top. She tugged on her trainers, doing up the laces tightly, before heading out into the darkened hallways of the palace.

Hitomi stood on the cliff, her eyes closed, head tilted back, and just enjoyed the feel of the moon on her face, the wind in her hair. She spread her arms wide, as if trying to encompass the world, the entirety of the endless star-studded black sky above her. Her laugh drifted across the sea.

"Hitomi?"

Startled, she spun around, gasping out his name, "Van!"

He was standing behind her, wings folded upon his back, head tilted curiously, as he gazed at her with concern. "Are you alright?"

Hitomi felt hysteria bubble up at his well-meaning question. "I'm... fine," she answered stiltedly, her hands clutching at folds of her sweatshirt.

He hesitated, then took a step forward, "You seem... lost, somehow. Is something wrong?"

She looked away for a couple of seconds. "Lost? Hmmm, I guess -- I guess I might be. I mean, I'm happy for you, Van. You've done so much, gained so much respect and love and I -- I feel like I've done nothing."

Van made a distressed sound, reaching out to her. "Oh, no, Hitomi. You saved Gaea. And you taught me that war isn't everything, that revenge isn't worth it. You showed me love."

Hitomi chuckled bitterly, looking down at her hands, then up again into his earnest face, and wished with all heart that she could have meant more. "Yes, I suppose I did. How did you meet her, Van? Was it love at first sight? You know, explosions behind your eyes, your breath catching in your throat, heart beating a thousand times a minute?"

Van frowned, confused. "Well, it was more slow, actually. We were nervous and it was scary, but I love her now, Hitomi. And that's all that matters, right?"

Hitomi turned away, looking out over the sea, breathing deeply in time with the waves. "It must be Van. How did you feel for me?"

He looked away, heat rising to his cheeks. "You were my first love. It was more sudden than with Elena. You didn't even know me all that well, yet you always saved me."

"Were you in love with me, Van?"

"Hitomi--"

"Answer my question!"

There was a pause. "I... yes. Yes, I think I was."

Hitomi gave an anguished sob, and spun around, reaching out for him pleadingly, "Then why didn't you come for me?! Why didn't you tell me? Or ask me to stay with you?"

He watched her helplessly. "You needed to grow. And so did I. I wanted to grow apart from you, become someone you could rely on."

She shook her head, tears flying off of her cheeks. "I didn't want someone I could rely on. I wanted you. I wanted you to stop me! A hundred times I wished for you to just fly in through my window and ask me to come back. But... you never did." Turning away once again, she took a couple of steps towards the cliff edge.

"Hitomi... what do you want from me?"

"Everything that I know I can't have. You're the other half of my soul, Van. And I can't have you. I don't think I ever had you."

He settled beside her, watching her profile, remembering how he had felt about all those years ago.

"I can't stay here," she said abruptly, not looking at him as he opened his mouth to protest. "No, Van. I don't want you to see me waste away. Because I will, if I stay here. Its killing me to see you with Elena. I can't even hate her properly, because she makes you happy, and because she's not an evil witch."

Van sighed and nodded. "Where will you go?"

"Somewhere. I don't know. If I did I wouldn't tell you; you'd seek me out, and I need some time away." She looked at Van, and noticed his melancholia. "I might come and visit; see how you're doing, and I'll keep tabs on you all. But I won't see you for a while, Van." She stood, and he followed, but stopped as she made off into the woods.

"Hitomi, wait! Would you... would you like me to fly us back?" he asked softly, nervously. He needn't have worried, because her face almost lit up, and she nodded.

"One last time, then," she said and walked back towards him

Exhilaration filled her almost to bursting as they soared through the night sky, the starlight shimmering and reflecting off of Van's wings. She reveled in the close embrace she was held in, body pressed to his. She submerged herself in the feelings his arms caused, knowing that this would be the last opportunity.

And as they landed, she knew it was too soon, and she knew that she wished it could have gone on forever. She turned to him, her expression wistful and his sad and helpless.

"I'm sorry, Hitomi." he whispered, "I wish I would give you what you want."

She smiled tremulously, "I know, Van." she turned to her room and then hesitated, "Wait here? I want to say goodbye."

He nodded and settled himself against the wall, watching as she entered her room to collect what things she would need. He was still in the same position when she came out half an hour later. She walked up to him, both pairs of eyes shining suspiciously.

There was a last final hug, Hitomi pressing her forehead to Van's, a tear sliding down their cheeks. She opened her eyes and stroked a hand down his cheek and whispered "I love you," against his lips...

...before turning around and walking down the hallway, the duffle bag swinging at her side, and Van was left with the memory of a completely lost look of love and helplessness and ravaging sorrow that he saw in his dreams for the rest of his life; dreams that were touched by his own sense of loss, like he had had something wonderful in his grasp and he had let it slip away.

He never saw her again.

**AN**: Ahem. Hope you liked. And yes, I'm fairly sure Fanelia doesn't have a coast, but, well, I needed one in this story, so I put it there. So there! _blows raspberry_ Oh, and I'm sorry about the angst -- it seems to be the only thing I capable of writing. _sighs gloomily_ See you next time!

Skye


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